I have a dream.

Ok, it’s nothing quite as epic or historically changing as Martin Luther King Jr.’s speech, but I’m gonna share it anyhow.

We all have dreams of our future, whether it is what career we want, where we want to live, or how our family will look.  And when you’ve been handed the raw deal, I think it’s ok to hold onto those dreams even if the reality ends up looking different.  It’s what keeps us going, you know?  All that to say… don’t knock my dream.  Let me be a little rose-colored about it, because it’s what I use to battle my really low, depressed days with.

In my dream, we charge into the fertility clinic in Washington (after we’ve moved and all that) and demand some really aggressive medical treatment, since we only ever got moderate success in stimulating my follicles and whatnot with the past treatments.  So we get more aggressive and VOILA, I get a good response and we see two or three good looking follicles, which we then induce me to ovulate, do an IUI (no more of this “timed intercourse” crap in my dream) and we eagly wait the 2 weeks, and have one of those dramatic-movie-moments where I pee on stick and Hubster and I look at it and get all giddy/emotional.  We do the blood draws and go in for an early ultrasound because of my past issue of it implanting so low, gotta check on that… and the technician sees TWO babies.  And it’s a boy and a girl (or two boys…. I don’t know why but in my vision it is never two girls.  Maybe because we have more boy names we have agreed upon then girl names?)  The downside is I can’t do the home-water-birth I would love, but the upside is, well, TWINS!

I nannied for a family with twins (plus an older sister) and absolutely loved it.  I am not scared of multiples.  At least, not twins.  Triplets seems scary… and personally if there was 4 or more follicles I would cancel the cycle, I am not comfortable with the idea of selective reduction for myself, and I also think there is some ethical issues with having more than triplets on what it does to both the babies and your body.

I like the idea of having twins first so that they don’t have to deal with the “big brother/sister” issue when we have another kid.  See, traditionally when a couple has one kid, that kid gets 100% of the attention from their parent(s) because there are no other kids.  Then when the couple decides to expand the family it can be very traumatizing for the oldest child to suddenly have to share time.  Well, twins come into the world with there already being another sibling, so it’s not as traumatic when parents decide to expand the family.  I don’t know if that makes sense to anybody else, but it makes me all warm and fuzzy and that’s what matters, right? (Remember, I’m allowed my rose-colored dream.  Don’t be hatin’!)

…Can I admit something kind of terrible?  I realize it’s terrible, especially coming from me, a woman burdened with infertility.  But last summer when we did get pregnant and we waited with baited breath for the first ultrasound… we had these conversations in hushed voices of our happy little dream of it being twins… and when we saw the ultrasound the technician reported one embryo I had a teeny, tiny, itty-bitty a moment of… disappointment.  How messed up is that?!?!  But it’s like there was this voice in my head, some psuedo-intuition saying that we are supposed to have twins.  I am so embarrased to admit that but i feel like I really need to.  Scott and I admited it to each other, (he also has dreams of twins lol) but I feel like I need to get it out, and stop feeling so guilty.  I mean, it was one tiny moment, and then I realised that a single baby meant being able to have a natural, home, water birth and was enthusiastic for that… until the psuedo-intuition voice crept in and kept telling me we would lose the pregnancy and I did my best ti ignore it and just be blissful in my hard-won pregnancy.

Of course then we did lose it and I was devastated.

Anyway, so the image in my mind that keeps me going, keeps me hopeful, is that maybe this pseudo-intuition will be right and we will end up with double-scoops of joy.


6 responses to this post.

  1. I wish your dream comes true – this year!
    before I got pregnant, a two or three of my friends reported seeing me pregnant in their dreams; I also had a very vivid dream 🙂


  2. I’m also not afraid of multiples. I have identical twin brothers, I was a nanny for 9 years before I got married and all of the families I nannied for had multiples. Family 1: 1 set of triplets; Family 2: 2 sets of twins; Family 3: 1 Set of twins.
    So, no, I’m not afraid of multiples!
    I hope your dream comes true very soon!


  3. Posted by babycrazykiwi on June 13, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    I love your dream!!! Its kind of like my June=March baby dream lol. Everyone needs to have their dreams so hang onto them they might be the only thing that keeps you sane.


  4. I have always wanted twins! I have said that since I was a little girl. I hope it comes true for you!!


  5. Oh wow. I love that dream =) and it makes perfect sense with the third child and the jealousy issues. Hope this will be in your future and all your dreams come true!


  6. I had the same dream when I was going through IF… And, based on the two temp dips I had, I’m pretty sure my second miscarriage was twins. Looking back, though, I’m really thankful to have my singletons. 😉


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