Lonely

So, yesterday was a really good day.  I worked a double shift (yay hours!) and came home to discover not 1, not 2, but 3 packages waiting for me!  One was from Rain (thank you!  I can’t wait to try some of these recipes!!!) and the other two were from HBO, the pre-ordered 3rd season of True Blood and a bonus dvd that came when you pre-ordered.  Hurray for belated birthday presents!  I also got to rent the movie RED and watch it with my friend R.L. and then watched True Blood with Khimmy until the wee hours of the morning.  However, I woke up this morning and getting to spend that much time with people made me realize how much time I haven’t been spending with people.

It seems like ever since I announced our move to Washington my local friends are suddenly…. “Unavailable.”  “Busy.”  “Something’s come up.”  I know that some of it is legitimate.  And a lot of it is unconscious.  But it hurts nonetheless.  I reach for my cell to text someone to meet up, get coffee, go for a walk…. and end up not.  Because what is the point of waiting and hoping just to be told no?  And hey, the phone works both ways, why am I the one initiating all the face time?!  Why aren’t any of my friends texting me to see if they can do something with me?  So I sit in my room with my laptop, and my tv, and my dogs and me tears.  Because my loneliness doesn’t get broken up by having someone coming home to me.  Hubster is still out on his fire.  And I’m not angry or resentful, I know he wants to be there and is working hard.  But it just sucks to be so alone.  I feel like I’ve bugged my Washington friends enough, they can only do so much 1500 miles away.  Not exactly easy to get together over coffee with that kind of distance.

I’m not saying I want something to be going every minute.  I like my quite time, when I can watch what I want or listen to whatever music.  But it would be nice to have a few more interactions.  It’s tough because on one hand I’m hurt and angry that my “friends” seem to have already forgotten me, but if I tell them I’m angry it’s not likely to make them want to hang out… or if they do it will be out of pity or guilt.  Not because they really want to.

I’m handing in my formal notice on Monday.  I know it’s more than the traditional two-week-notice but we are understaffed as it is and I feel guilty about leaving.  Our head technician gave her notice and nobody rushed her out the door or treated her vindictively.  Plus, I really suck at keeping secrets, I feel guilty every time my boss alludes to future stuff.

And my mom is coming to visit on Friday.  Which will ease the loneliness but may also make me a little crazy.  She is a well-intentioned person but a little bit goes a long ways, and when she stays with me I don’t really get a break and like I said, I also like my quite time.  Oh well, I know we will survive.  I also know we will have at least one argument, but that’s family, right?  Lol.  I’m trying to think about how to summarize my mom.  She has a tendency to over share information, from a detailed list of what she has eaten and how much water she has drank that day, to wanting to have “girl talk” and asks me a lot of awkward questions about my sex life.  The truth is she is lonely and wants us to be best friends but the more she pushes the more I have to put up boundaries.  If she would relax a little it probably would happen, she is a fun and spontaneous person but she is just wound a little too tight.

Sorry I haven’t really had much to say about babies lately.  It’s always on my mind, but there really just isn’t anything happening right now.  Not until after we move.  Sometimes I worry that, it always seems to be one thing or another… I am 26 but one more year I’ll 27, and then 28, 29, 30,31… the years will fly by fast and I don’t want to reach an age where suddenly not only do I need help ovulating, but my eggs have started to go bad…  We started trying when I was 24, and everyone said “Oh there’s no rush! You’re so young!”, ya well the joke’s on you now isn’t it?  I have these moments of deep sadness that this is never going to happen.  And then I start crying and feel even more lonely…. oh it’s a downward spiral, I know.  I don’t really know how to stop it so I guess I’m just along for the ride.

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8 responses to this post.

  1. I’m not sure if it’s the same in your area, but down in my part of the state, there are SO many people that only stay for a season or a year or whatever… and honestly, the “long timers” (basically, anyone who has stuck it out for more than a couple of years) end up sort of subconsciously choosing to only hang out with people that we know are sticking around. It’s been joked in my circle of friends that unless you have a mortgage, you’re not coming over. It’s not done to be mean…it just gets old putting so much time and effort into a friendship with someone who just ends up leaving anyway. This was an entirely new phenomenon to me when I moved here 7 yrs ago, b/c in MN, everyone has been there for decades and will continue to be there for decades. I feel like Coloradans tend to be from all over and keep moving all over… so it’s just different. I know it still sucks for you right now, but can you honestly say that you’ll use your vacation time and money in the future to come back and keep your CO friendships going?

    Reply

    • Well I kept my Washington friendship going when I moved here, I even have friends in California, Pennsylvania, New York, Scotland… There is a lot of ways to continue friendships now with things like facebook and skype. And seeing as how most of Hubster’s family is here, and our Godson is here, yes I do expect we will be traveling back to Colorado at a minimum of once a year.
      I grew up in a suburb of Seattle. People moved often, you kept in touch with the people that matter. I have lived in this state for seven years, and some of my friendships go back that far. I think it’s sad that they see our friendship as inevitably ending because I don’t see it that way at all. I know small towns are different, with people growing up together and everyone’s parents and grandparents knowing each other, but really Fort Collins isn’t a “small town”. It’s a college town and folks come and go. Some stay a little while. Some stay and raise kids. I’ve never made a secret of the fact that I didn’t see myself staying in this state for the rest of my life so I am surprised that people that have been as close as family are suddenly isolating me.

      Reply

  2. I can completely relate to your loneliness. DH works long hours and he leaves tomorrow for a business trip to Mexico…His 10th out of the country trip (13th week) in 14 months. I have a lot of friends but since they all have schoolage kids they are always busy with their activities. They always tell me I’m free to tag along but it gets old feeling like the 3rd wheel all the time.

    Reply

  3. Don’t apologize for not posting baby stuff. We like to know that our blog friends have lives outside of the TTC crazy.

    Maybe you should handle your friends the way you wish your mom would handle you: don’t push too hard, and it’ll probably happen. They know you’re around and available, and they know it’s for a limited time. Make mention of “meeting for coffee sometime,” then leave it at that. If they want to see you, they’ll come to you, right? (I hate having to be the one initiating all the time too, so eventually I just give up on those people and figure I’ll see them when I see them. And that’s ok.)

    Reply

    • It’s funny, after I wrote that I could see the connection. Although I will say that I have made an effort not to contact folks who keep putting me off. I guess a lot of the loneliness comes from realizing that perhaps a lot of the friendships have only existed because I put so much effort into them, perhaps some of these people have never really put a lot in and I’ve just been convenient?)
      Trying to spend time with my dogs and my Nook, and the couple of friends who still make an effort.
      And thank you for supporting the non-baby stuff. I guess with friends falling away I can’t help but wonder who reads me blog because of ME or because of infertility?

      Reply

  4. I am sorry that your friends all seem to be busy. I can’t imagine how isolating that must feel. I wished I lived closer and we could cook, watch TV, and take our dogs for walks. I hope that your visit with your mom goes well (mine is visiting this week too).

    HUGS!

    Reply

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