And now for some midnight ramblings

My previous post I was still riding the “high” from super-awesome-concert-ness.  But now it’s late, I’ve had a smidge to drink, and I’m feeling a tad more… contemplative.  I think it’s worth mentioning that if you don’t want to read about TMI, this is not the post for you.

Period start today, well, I guess technically yesterday.  Cramps and moodiness and gore galore.  You know how most women find themselves especially amorous around ovulation?  Not me.  Apparently something about my AF hormones get’s me all ooo-la-la.  But of course Hubster is out of town (and he’s one of those guys who puts on the breaks while AF is in town anyway) but I feel like every guy I see I have these moments of “Wow, his eyes are really intense…  Ooo, he has great hair…”  It’s all very weird because for the most of the time I am not someone who “window shops”.  I think that it’s really for the best in the relationship to focus on what is good about what you have, not mooning over what you don’t (and can’t) have.

I’m sure that the reason it seems especially intense this cycle since Hubster and I had sex Sunday morning and… I didn’t finish.  (Not a new problem, which seems to make it that much more frustrating, but since Hubster had such an upsetting day on Saturday and he was leaving later on Sunday I didn’t feel like stressing him out by bringing up our bedroom issues so I… well… ya, I faked it.)  So I left what should have been a very relaxing/releasing situation more frustrated then when we started.  I know, this is just something that happens but the timing just left me all antsy.  Horny, alone, and bleeding.

FML!!!!

As some of you may know, Hubster is the only guy I have ever had sex with.  Usually, I am more than happy about that.  I have been lucky enough to avoid STD’s (of STI’s, whatever), as well as some really intense emotional pain when a physical relationship ends.  I was always a “good girl” who wanted to be “bad” but for whatever reason never acted on the impulse.  Again, there are plenty of good things about that!  But sometimes me “wild” side rears its ugly head and it is hard to accept that the time in my life when it would have been acceptable (or at least more acceptable than now) to be a little wild is passed and now that I have the confidence to act on my wild side, I can’t because I have responsibilities and commitments.  Responsibilities and commitments that I wanted and am usually happy to have!  But sometimes I wish I could pause this life and just go be a little silly and crazy and come back.  For instance, Saturday night some of the band members were a tad… flirtatious.  And if I had been single, maybe I would opted to pursue hanging out with the band after the club.  (There was a conversation about slip and slides and hotel hot tubs, that would have been my opening to jump on that chance.)  Sometimes in music or tv or whatnot there is something of a “universal experience” of the one-night-stand, or at the very least experiencing multiple partners and I’m all alone.  I think I only know 1 (maybe 2?) other person who has only had sex with their spouse.  All in all, I don’t really regret not having “sown wild oats” but sometimes I want to do something a little outside the box…. and Hubster is a traditionalist in the bedroom.  He has a routine, and he likes it, and whenever I try to talk to him about it it get’s really tense.  and I’ve tried focusing on “Well, I like this, so could we do more of that?” and I’ve tried being blunt “I do not enjoy sex.  I want passion, I don’t want predictability all the time” and just about everything in between.  It’s weird because aren’t guys supposed to be the ones wanting to try crazy new stuff?

And then on top of all that stuff which has been an issue for… 3 years?  Now I have issues related to our infertility, where sex is related to disappointment and loss, and for almost 2 years I have been the one initiating 99% of the sex in relation to TTC and now I hate initiating it.

At least we have counseling this Friday…. and hopefully this time it won’t get postponed again.  I know I can’t be the only person out here in infertility (or heck, even just regular-ol’-married-land!) who has bedroom issues.  We talk about how we need to educate about infertility etc etc…. but why do SO MANY of us not talk about sex problems?  Or maybe I’m just missing those posts…

Ok, I need to stop rambling about this and go to bed.

I just want to say that sex stuff aside, we really are a great team.  I can’t imagine someone else who can keep me as grounded and balanced, someone who is as supportive of all my dreams and aspirations and crazy whims. (Hello, we are moving to Tacoma!)

Ok, seriously, must go to bed.  I keep zoning out, and then typing stuff that doesn’t make sense and I’m sure I’ll read this tomorrow and  be like “Oh man, you shouldn’t be allowed to post while super sleepy…”

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14 responses to this post.

  1. Ahh the TMI post…I was brave and read it. I get amourous during AF too, then up to ovulation but then after not so much. Baby making does put huge strain in the sex side of a relationship. For my partner and I its a difference in libido. Him – once a week is fine Me – I could do 2-3 times with no trouble lol. So as you can imagine with the once a week routine getting enough over the right time can be an issue.
    I’m not sure how you could approach the ‘bedroom’ routine situation you have except to approach it out of the bedroom and maybe not in the ‘heat of the moment’.
    Much luck 🙂

    Reply

    • Thank you for your bravery in reading, and for sharing that you are also a woman who has a higher libido than her guys…. it’s just so nice to know I’m not alone.

      Reply

  2. hey, I know how you feel!
    I got married very young – and he was my first. For many years we were together, and I often wondered – what if?

    But our sex problems were FAR WORSE. He never wanted sex. The talks never led anywhere. He gave thousands of explanations and nothing ever changed. In response to my “initiatives” he usually put on a suffering mask and talked about headache.

    We had sex… what – maybe 3-4 a YEAR? Yeah, that sounds right.

    Anyway, I left the guy (after some years, he stopped being reliable and supportive in other sides of my life) and thought – no is the time to be promiscuous!!!

    Well. I didn’t really get the chance. I mean, I climbed to bed on my very first date 2 months after moving out. 1.5 years later I married that guy 🙂

    So… I might call that first date the promiscuous one. But I don’t really feel this way. But somehow – I am not all that interested anymore 🙂

    I don’t know how can you make your hubster try and give you what you need. So I hope the counseling will help!

    Reply

    • Ya, before TTC we would usually have sex about once a month, maybe once every other month… so at first TTC actually helped our sex life. I’ve had so many people tell me that if we aren’t doing it like rabbits we are doomed which just puts more pressure on.

      Sometimes I have though “what if I was single again?” And honestly, I would probably end up either becoming a nun (I know that sounds weird, but there is something appealing to me about that simple lifestyle) or my attempts at promiscuity would probably end like yours did lol.

      Reply

  3. Don’t fake it. Ever, ever, ever.

    Maybe you should try couple’s sex therapy? To effectively communicate your concerns about the routine/your desires?

    And when AF is in town, you can have sex in the shower. Or lay down an old towel and have sex on that. Sex during your period relieves cramps and can make your period shorter overall. So tell him to man up and be a team-player.

    Reply

    • Ya, I think at this point faking has become almost a habit? But it’s true, it really doesn’t help. :/
      We are starting couples therapy this Friday, and I’m hoping that with a neutral third party I will be able to express myself and Hubster will hear what I’m trying to say and not jump on the defensive.
      We’ve tried sex in the shower on a normal day and we’re just not that coordinated. (I’m kind of short, and a little too “full figured” to do it standing up, and the shower is too narrow to lay down in comfortably with another person) Maybe someday when we own our own home and make a custom big shower with room for that? Although I still think he will put on the brakes, he said what freaks him out is the idea of, at the end, looking down and seeing blood on, er, himself. Which would happen even in a shower. So usually during AF time, I have a little “personal time” with my vibrator to help ease the cramps. (TMI? Sorry)

      Reply

      • Nope I wasn’t sure whether to suggest a little ‘manual therapy’ when I read your post at the top.
        Mr Stinnky doesn’t like seeing blood on the end of his knob either but still maintains sex when I’m on the blob is alright with him. Go figure (the reality is that afterwards it will look like an abbatoir, and guess who will end up doing the stain/removal/endless washing. Romantic no, Practical yes!)

        Then again, shower is probably the best place for sex with AF, can wash it off straightaway?!!

      • No TMI here. I still think you have to stop faking it though.

      • Alright, *holds up right hand like back when I was a girl scout* I formerly promise to no longer fake orgasm. I know it’s the right thing to do, even though it means it may make for a few awkward or tense sessions.

  4. I’ve faked it a couple of times and I always feel horrible afterwards!!! I am so sorry you and hubs are on different sex schedules. We’re going through that right now too!

    HUGS!

    Reply

  5. yeah, you’re not alone. i am ridiculously in the mood during AF and really no other time as much during the month. DH is my only and over the years we have switched places for a variety of reasons–i now want it 2-3x a week and get lame excuses when he’s not interested b/c he only wants it once a week if that (really more like once every other…i think we’d go longer honestly, but at that point we tend it do it b/c it’s been a while and we feel we should type of thing). he is also not at all the one to bring up new things to try but only in the last year i’ve learned that if initiate those things very slowly in way that requires no action or commitment on his part, he tends to go along with them and even enjoy them. but, i know that won’t work with all guys. anyways, know that you aren’t alone and lots of us are frustrated in that arena of our lives:)

    Reply

  6. I used to get the horn when I was on the blob but not so much now. I think more people than we realise have differing ‘issues’ with sex. I always want it at different times and am not bothered the rest of the month (that luteal spotting thing concerns me). Now its ovulation, I can usually tell when its gearing up (not that the BBT helps eitheer?!) and want it constantly for about 5 days, then back off again for the next 3 weeks! In a way it would be nice to have horns anytime but ovulation for us (unless ttc, then it always helps) becasue I hate using condoms.
    I always notice mens eyes (and calves and shoulders and . . . and . . . but definitely eyes) when I’m about to pop an egg out, no other time. Never thought of it as ‘window shopping’ I always put it down to being hardwired to find a suitable bloke to continue the species for millenia

    Also someone here who hasn’t had a 1 night stand. 3 different sexual partners, and 2 of them were long term boyfriends, one was a short term boyf. The idea of sex with someone I don’t know does nothing for me.

    The routine thing isn’t an issue now but I remember having THAT TALK with Mr Stinky a few years back, god was that awkward. How to do that without bruising his ego. We’re pretty much doing the same as we have for last 11 years, but I don’t know, somethings working. I also think that I’ve been more turned on in my 30’s, nothing to do with ttc, I dunno. If I don’t ‘finish’ I hop on again till I do, and sometimes he doesn’t finish and I do (I keep score jokingly sometimes! But there’s no pressure really!)

    Reply

  7. LOL!!!! I just read through all the comments and just had to comment again because I’m lovin’ the honesty here. We’re not really your AF sex type couple…maybe on the last day or so but never at the start…but each to their own I say. As for faking it I don’t..ever (but not judging people who do) most of time I enjoy the sex but sometimes don’t get right off, he knows it and is pretty good at attending to my needs at times lol. And as someone who enjoyed her uni days (one night stands and all) there’s nothing like doin it with the one you love…!

    Reply

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