What am I going to post today?

First of all… I got my blogroll DONE! It took me most of Saturday with my crappy internet, but I got it done. PLEASE, let me know if I missed you!!! Because of how many times I lost connection, and how many blogs I read it is very possible that I may have inadvertently left someone out, for which I apologize.

And now I have to address the holiday that is today. Mother’s Day. I really tried to think about how to best acknowledge the concept that I AM a mom, without my baby. Honestly, I didn’t really come up with anything good. I did have a nice chat with my friend M who told me that the Orthodox Church sees all women as mothers and that really resonated with where my head space has been. And over lunch after today’s service they made a point to say “Happy Mother’s Day” to all moms, including grandmas, godmothers etc and since I AM a Godmother that made me smile (Although I also fought back tears. What a weird emotion) I did decide to intentionally not log onto facebook much as most people are posting stuff about their moms and/or their children without an acknowledgement of all the various types of moms out there. (Although very kindly a handful of people DID recognize us infertiles and that made me smile/tear up)

My mom unfortunately is just so awkward. She wants to say the right thing. But even when I tell her what I want (an acknowledgement of my status as an empty-armed-mother) she still really stumbled over herself. But I try to console myself that she is trying, as badly as her attempts end up. I was kind of sad that Hubster didn’t say anything, and when I brought it up he told me that he had hoped this day would just blow over, and it would be just like any normal day. I think in his own way he was trying to be sensitive and not upset me but all it did was make me feel alienated when I want so much for some recognition. I then made myself a small bowl of ice cream and had a mini-pity-party… and then began reading a new book I downloaded on my Nook about binge eating disorder, and promptly felt guilty and angry about the unnecessary ice cream. Why did I get this book you ask? Well, I have struggled with Overeating Disorder for many…. many… MANY years, and in this attempt to get healthy, get into an exercise regime etc I know I need to face my biggest problem head-on, and that is my eating disorder. Did you know that there are more people suffering from Binge Eating Disorder than people who suffer from Anorexia and Bulimia combined and yet is the least talked about?

And now I’m feeling all stressed because as I move forward with the plan to move (found an apartment that we can fit a king sized bed in, will allow our 3 dogs and is moderately priced) and am a day or two away from signing the lease and placing our deposit, Hubster has reminded me that he has/is/will apply with Cheyenne Fire Department. He feels good about his chances of getting hired by that department. On one hand, I want to support him. I really do want him to get on a department, get his foot in the door, to have a job he loves. But I really really REALLY do not want to be stuck in this area of another 2 or 3 years. I WANT TO MOVE TO WASHINGTON DAMMIT!!!! And the voice in my head says that since irony is just so cruel, if we move forward and place the deposit etc for Washington he will get this job and we will be out a lot of money; but if I do NOT place the deposit and follow through with the plans for Washington than Hubster will not get this job and we will be screwed for our move since he will not know about Cheyenne for about a month and I cannot try to plan a cross-country move for July in June.

I don’t even feel motivated to make dinner, my stomach is all knotty and nervous. But I should, I can make it for Hubster and just put my portion in the fridge for tomorrow or something.

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5 responses to this post.

  1. Oh I’m sorry you’re stressed right now. I hate when life seems to be all up in the air. Am thinking of you and hope things settle down soon.

    Reply

  2. Sods law, isn’t it – the Washington/firefighting conundrum. If it goes tits up, you did what you thought was right at the time, ok?

    Funny you should mention binge-eating, I’ve just put away 2 bowlfuls of Cheerios (yeah, I know, they’re not exactly filling) but I reckon I’ve been stumbling around that most of my life – used to eat absolute crap when I was younger and unhappy – we’re talking 5-6 chocolate bars at a time. I remember reading about bulimia, which was the binge-thing (I hadn’t heard of binge-eating) but I never could have made myself puke. Used to half-joke that I was too mean to purge(!) to waste the food. Thats part of it – if there is food on my plate that will go to waste I will keep eating til its gone. If there’s a packet of biscuits open, we finish the lot (unfortunatley Mr Stinky is of the same ilk). I’m not proud of what I stuff down my face in the name of ‘cheering myself up’, but I’m less ashamed of it now (but have only ever talked about it to Mr Stinky – and here now). I’m the same with booze, there’s not ‘off’ switch, just drink till I puke.

    Whats working for me (right now) is exercising and only having cereal to nibble on in the house – no biscuits or cake, only when I go out, or bake it. Takes a certain amount of willpower.

    All I’ll say is, as Chocobuddies, maybe we are well-paired

    Reply

  3. Ugghg, I just hate it when things are up in the air like that! I remember when McRuger and I were getting ready to move to this area…he had a job, but hadn’t signed a contract yet…so we spent two weeks in limbo. It was horrible.

    I hope you get some answers soon. I think the move to WA would be good for you and you can have a place to start over in some ways.

    I eat when I’m upset too. I always have. Slowly, slowly, I am trying to change that. But, patterns are hard to break. I wish you all the best! I hope that the next few weeks bring you some well-deserved answers.

    Reply

  4. First of all my apologies for the delayed thank-yous!

    I appreciate it a LOT, and feel honoured that you’ve included me on your blogroll! Your comments on my blog has always lifted my spirits.

    There were a lot of your posts I missed; I am commenting on this one and not on your most recent because I have to read back.

    From a quick look at other posts, I see there were a lot of changes since you have written this! I can only say, that I identify with a lot of emotions you share, and it is empowering (and inspiring!) to work through them by writing them out the way you do because it is healthier and more productive than keeping it in.

    Happy ICLW days and sending oodles of positive thoughts and energy your way!

    Joanna
    #26 ICLW
    My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands

    Reply

    • No apologies needed! I’m so busy, I don’t have the ability to keep up with everyone’s blogs on a daily basis, so I absolutely understand!
      It is true, being able to write (or type in this case) out all my thoughts has helped me to move past them. I constantly think to myself “Why didn’t I start blogging sooner??” And the answer is that I didn’t think I had anything interesting to say, who would want to read my ramblings? Turns out I still don’t think I have anything very interesting to say, but people read anyway! And even if nobody read this, it is still so therapeutic for me, and I love the ability to look back at my ramblings and see what I have already overcome emotionally.
      Happy ICLW to you! I’m not officially participating because my internet is still occasionally sketchy and I’m so busy, I didn’t want to sign up and then fail. But I do love this week and do my best to follow the rules unofficially 🙂

      Reply

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