Yay for internet access, and other sparkly-unicorn-moments.

Hubster is up at the firehouse tonight so I can sit on my friend’s couch and mooch her internet without feeling bad for not being home.  So I am finally catching up on my 40ish blogs I follow (goal of the weekend is to put together a blogroll… can anyone with wordpress tell me the best way to go about doing that?) and trying to leave lots of comments.  I also caught up on my fav shows.  (We don’t have cable, so I am a fan of Hulu and other such ways to watch shows on my laptop)  What did I watch?  Americans Next Top Model, The Big Bang Theory, Hellcats, and maybe later I’ll catch up on Vampire Diaries.  I know, I watch shows meant for high-schoolers, but I don’t care.  They are fun and entertaining.  *sticks tongue out at naysayers*

Work is continuing to go well, I still forget stuff sometimes and feel like a giant idiot but I am really really trying to get better.  And I’ve even managed to have a couple of brief conversations with my boss Dr.A.  She is an amazing vet, but kind of overwhelming as a boss, she is not the most talkative of person so it can be hard to start warming up to her, but I’m really really trying!

The weather is getting nicer.  I’m dreading the eventual super-heat that comes in July and August (although I will be gone by August… hu, that’s kind of funny to think about) but trying to appreciate the perfect temperature that is the recent 60-70 degree weather.  Trying to find a routine if taking my dogs for a walk or something but so far nothing is really sticking yet.

Unfortunately I was asked to close unexpectedly tonight so I had to cancel the couple’s counseling we had scheduled.  I’m disappointed but felt weird telling my supervisor no since the schedule has been wonky because of me since I have been working mornings at the VTH, so it has pushed my regular work schedule back.

I mailed out mothers day cards and gourmet chocolate on Monday… but as of this afternoon they haven’t arrived.  So now I need to track down my FedEx receipt and see if I can pull up tracking numbers.  Feeling bummed that they may have gotten lost or something, going to try to go into the office tomorrow and see if they can look them up based on my credit car or something if I can’t find the receipt tonight.  I did get to have a nice little chat with my Momma-la this afternoon as she drove from Seattle to Spokane to see her mom (Grandma B) for Mother’s Day.

I know Mother’s Day is touchy for infertiles…  I’m trying to focus on appreciating my mom this weekend.  But I keep having this thought from a conversation with Hubster the other night.  We were talking about my sadness with doing “nothing” right now, and that if we do adopt I will miss out on pregnancy and birth and that also makes me a little sad.  And he had a “light bulb” moment where he finally understood I think.  He turned to me and said “You know how people say that women become mothers when they become pregnant, and men become fathers when the baby is born?  I think the reason why you have a harder time with the miscarriage is that when you found out you were pregnant, you were instantly a mom.  You ARE a mom, you just don’t have your baby.”

I am a mom, I just don’t have my baby.

I’m trying to figure out how to honor that sentiment this Mother’s Day.  I don’t expect any of my family or friends to do anything, they probably wont even think about it.  But there is still a part of me that sees this ghost-of-a-baby, this “parallel universe” where we are parents with a living, breathing, laughing little kid.  Most of the time I go about my life not super-focused on it.  In truth, it’s too heavy of a thing to be focused on all the time, but when I stop and let it surface I see that I’m still processing, still healing, and in some ways never will be completely whole again.  There will always be some scar, it has changed me after all.    So I’m not sure what to do that will be cathartic, help me to acknowledge my empty-armed-parenthood but in a way that is helpful and healing.  Do any of you have plans for yourselves along those lines?

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11 responses to this post.

  1. So true… you are a mum :)) Happy Mother’s Day for tomorrow… thinking of you xoxo

    Reply

  2. I know what you mean. In my first marriage to a guy who just didn’t want kids, I got to the point of wanting kids so much, it hurts as if I had had kids before and someone took them away. It was awful, the pain of it. That’s when I realized I am a mom without a baby.

    That’s why, even though we’re fighting infertility and don’t have a baby yet, I feel so much better: at least we both want a baby and are making every effort to get one.

    And my ex? He married a woman with a kid. Go figure.

    Reply

    • It’s true that at least Hubster and I are on the same page about wanting kids. I remember talking when we were dating and asking if the other person wanted kids and how many. Not in a “pressure” sort of way, but just in trying to get to know each other and make sure we were on the same page. I have a friend who when she got married didn’t want kids so was fine with marrying her husband who doesn’t want kids… and now she has changed her mind and he hasn’t. That’s such a tough place to be in!

      Irony on your ex. I think that sometimes men can’t imagine being fathers until they become one.

      Reply

  3. Hubster sounds like such a sweety. His words made me want to cry!

    Reply

    • I’m pretty sure I did cry why he said that. We certainly have our tough moments but he really does surprise me with his sensitivity, we have moments like this and I think I’m the luckiest gal in the world. 🙂

      Reply

  4. A simply beautiful post. Yes, you are truly a mommy, deserving of being honoured today. Your angel smiles down at you because as you acknowledge your being a mommy, your angel’s existence even if it did not witness the light here on earth, is acknowledge too.

    Love and light to you! Happy Mother’s Day!

    (((hugs)))

    Reply

  5. Love to you. I have no answers, but I will say that time has got me to a much better place (and answers too).
    Happy Mothers Day, I just blogged about it last night, I too live on a ‘what could’ve been’ at times, and its hard, but there are more ‘right now’s’ than ‘could’ve been’ er, right now. If that makes sense. I’m sure once everything kicks off again ‘right now’ will melt a bit.
    Its also something (MuvversDay) that is not talked about in our house and I’m not sure if its because he doesn’t want to upset me or he just doesn’t realise. But thats exactly what I do on Fathers Day!

    Will post chocolate when I can, I haven’t forgotten!

    Reply

    • Love right back at ya! I don’t think there are really any good answers either. And I get what you’re saying about “could’ve been” vs “right now”.

      Ya, Hubster didn’t really bring up the day to me, when I asked him why he said that he had hoped it would pass and we would just treat it like any other normal day. I’m kind of upset by that but I’m not really certain why. But I think that as long as you and your man have a method that works for your guys, than there is no reason to change it!

      And don’t stress about chocolate, that’s just silly!

      Reply

  6. So true, great of your husband to realize you are a mom. Hope you can find a way to move forward soon.

    Reply

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