Well crap

I had my first ever miscarriage support group meeting tonight.

I thought I was doing ok.  I thought I was healing.  Apparently not so much.  My first tip was at the post office.  The man behind me had an 8 month old son.  I know the boys exact age because some people in line behind him were apparently old friends and they just had to catch up, rather loudly, and discuss his son and every single mutual acquaintance who has had a baby in the last two years.  I successfully stifled the urge to scream at them.  Go me.

I got home, washed my face and re-did my makeup for group.  I went, and we all went around telling our stories.  When I got to mine I did the run-down.  When I got to the end they all asked what we were doing now.  I was struck dumb.  Nothing.  We are doing nothing.  After all our blood, sweat and tears we are now doing nothing.  I held it together, but cried on the way home.  Yes, I’m open to adoption.  But yes, I still want to get pregnant.  I want to schedule the lap and IUI and see the two pink lines on a pregnancy test.  I want to go to my 6 week ultrasound and see a little baby with a little beating heart in the right place in the uterus.  I want to formulate my birth plan and breastfeed and all that stuff.

Originally, with the pursuit of surrogacy, I was thankful for the break.  I was thankful to be doing nothing.  Although in a way we were still doing something in pursuit of a child.  Right now we aren’t even pursuing it.  We aren’t filling out adoption applications.  We aren’t temping.  We aren’t taking hormones.

I feel like I just picked off the scab that had been forming, and now it just hurts.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. awwwwww. I remember noticing that at my mc support group. Everyone was going through ivf or had just been through ivf, or iui, or something. I was still bleeding out the last of my miscarriage and was ‘waiting’, as ever (for recurrent mc clinic – another waiting list).

    You’re not ‘doing nothing’. Maybe a holding pattern, maybe resting till the next phase. If you were doing nothing, you would not be thinking this stuff

    hugs, love

    Reply

    • and sticks your scab back on with lipbalm

      Reply

      • Ya, Hubster told me we weren’t doing nothing, but that I was busy planning and preparing for this move so that we can be living in the area we want to live when we have a family. And I am (unsuccessfully) trying to lose weight in hopes that if I can get down to a more average shape that my body will magically start working and begin ovulating on its own.

        Thanks for the hugs and love *warm fuzzy feeling* 🙂

        Lipbalm hu? That made me laugh out loud, I totally needed that this morning!!!

  2. A holding pattern is a good word for it. It’s a good place to be sometimes, just exploring what comes next…but I totally understand how incredibly frustrating it can be. My thoughts are with you!!!

    Reply

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