Dear Blog-ary

(See what I did there, combining “blog” and “diary”?  I’m so nifty)

Some days, marriage just sucks.

Hubster swore up and down yesterday that he would call me tonight.  So I wait, keep busy blah blah blah.  Finally I decide to call him at 8.  He’s asleep.  Totally forgot to call me.  Not intentional, just forgot.  That’s the problem, nothing he does in our relationship has intention or thought.

Ok, I shouldn’t make absolute statements like “nothing”, “never”, or “always”.  But meanwhile I’ve been polling my friends to see if I’m being insensitive/overbearing/selfish and trying to find a therapist.  Most of my day IS spent thinking about him/us/our future.

Sure, there are moments where I get frustrated and mad and it would be nice to take the “easy way out” and throw in the towel.  But DAMMIT, we are a great couple when we work together.  And infertility may have taken a f*ckload away from me but I REFUSE to let it take my marriage, as so many statistics say it does. (I dare you to look up marriages that survive a miscarriage.  Actually, don’t, it’ll just freak you out)

I’m sure that we will work this out, but tonight I’m having a pretty low moment and all I can hope is that a good nights sleep will erase the puffy eyes all my crying is sure to bring about.

And ya, I still want a baby, but I want my marriage to be solid more.  I want us to be a strong team, to support each other through all the craziness and trials that raising kid(s) can bring about.  I want my child(ren) to be raised to see parents that love and respect each other, I want my kid(s) to see that people can make relationships work and that the work is worth it.  I want to minimize their “daddy issues” or “commitment phobias” as much as is humanely possible.  And that starts by us adults being strong.

And then that little voice pops up in my head saying “Not possible. You guys can’t fix this.  You suck.  You’re a loser who can’t even make your body function like a normal body that can make babies.  What makes you think you can make this marriage work?” 

And then I cry a lot more.

Sorry this is such a depressing post.  I’m all out of bright and sunny.  Not even seeing a silver lining at the moment which usually I’m epically annoyingly good at.

Wow I suck tonight.

***Update: Oh hey, I did google that crap.  Here’s an interesting article:

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/05/breaking-up-after-a-miscarriage/

It says we grieve for THREE YEARS after a miscarriage and NINE for a stillbirth.

I actually find that oddly comforting.

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9 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Shamassy on April 19, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    (((((hugs)))))

    Remember you’re not in this alone.

    Reply

    • Thanks. It seems silly but that means SO much. I think mostly I’m just terrified of the possibility of him leaving me and the fear just cripples me. I have been taking steps to find therapeutic help (thanks SO much for the reference you gave me earlier!!!) I also know I am not the first person to feel these feelings and that helps. And writing it out here (aka “journaling for the digital age”) helps me to process and let some of it out so usually I walk away feeling better. And then I was finally able to get a hold of one of my oldest friends and we had a nice loooooong chat and she is so great about always knowing the right things to say to make me feel better AND consider where Hubster could be coming from so I think I can finally fall asleep. Yay sleep!

      Reply

  2. 3 YEARS?!! Holy fuck! I thought I was dragging it out with 12 months plus!

    That little voice is a bastard, huh. Needs gagging. Let me know if you figure out how. Mine used to tell me our relationship wouldn’t last long. Two fingers to that. 11 years is ok.

    I went through a stage where Mr Stinky would work late, or go off and do something, and not think to call me. After miscarrying, I got extremely anxious when he did this, I couldn’t stop thinking he was in a hospital or lying dead somewhere – he cycles to work, and we all know there’s some maniacs as drivers. It did take a while, and lots and lots of tears and trying to get him to see how one simple text could alleviate this. Now he texts when he sets off home, regardless of what time this is.

    I can well understand how mc can push a couple apart, luckily it pushed us closer together. I know people grieve differently and that whole stupid ‘boys don’t cry’ bullshit doesn’t help much, its really isolating as it is without partner/husband ‘not getting it’ (but ‘getting it’ in a different way). Sometimes lots of tears and talking works, sometimes I guess it just reinforces if people can’t bridge a gap between them.

    Anyway, on an excitable ‘stuffed by chocolate’ note, I got chocolateygoodness in the post today. Thank you!!! I’ve shared one with him, I think he thinks you’re his chocobuddy too! Had the rasperry lemon one, yum!!! looking forward to my breakfast tomorrow, bollocks to muesli!

    Reply

  3. Oh thank God for that statistic.

    You will be okay. Whatever happens, however it happens, you will be okay.

    Reply

  4. My hubby and I were close to separating just a few months ago. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. IF is hard. Just keep on keeping on… talking is KEY. Hang in there!

    Reply

  5. Big hug to you Kira. Hope you and Hubsters come through this. Stay bright and sunny 🙂 I liked that. ((Hugs))

    Reply

  6. it’s not just you (misery loves company, right?)…yeah, i guess i’ll leave it at that, and a thank you for the kind words on my blog. 🙂

    Reply

  7. […] that my readers is where I’m at.  Mostly hopeful.  Which is a far cry from where I was a few days ago, and for that I am very, very […]

    Reply

  8. If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.

    Reply

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