I’ve Got a Headache.

See if you can keep up, because I don’t think I can.

1-FYI, this paragraph is a lot of TMI.  But it’s what has been going through my brain. You’ve been warned.  Some of you know that my Hubster and I have gathered some serious baggage in our sex life from TTC.  It’s a mental and emotional hurdle we are working on.  People always assume that “at least when you are trying to make a baby that means lots of blow-you-mind, passionate sex.”  They tell us to keep it fun, keep in interesting.  Well, we tried.  We really did.  But what these people do not understand is that we become these desperate people.  Timing sex with ovulation.  I think one blogger once described it as wives raping their husbands and while it was humerus… how many of us have made our partners have sex when they were tired, didn’t feel well, or just plain didn’t want to?  So now we are left with sex equating to disappointment and frustration, kind of the opposite of fun.  So Hubster and I have been trying to work on this, we’ve been talking about our emotions around sex  (I think that’s a pretty big step guys, can I get a gold star?)  Anyway, I told him on Thursday that this Friday, we should have sex.  Just push through and all that.  So that was the plan. We went to dinner, came home, made an apple pie, watched some Scrubs… and then went to bed and fell asleep.  I’m bummed.  Apparently neither of us can initiate.  Apparently there is more work to be done than “powering through”

2-Washington Calling. Hubster and I have also been talking about the big debate “to move or not to move, that is the question”.  He has never lived anywhere but northern Colorado and Wyoming, so I know there are some fears coming from the “unknown” of it all.  But when our lease ends it feels like the perfect time, we aren’t especially attached to our jobs, we don’t have a baby.  And we are going to be getting a pretty sweet tax return we can set aside and save for moving expenses.  He made the argument that I don’t want to live in Colorado and he doesn’t want to leave, so what is the compromise?  But the way I see it I have lived in this state for 7 years.  The lease he could do is try Washington for a year or two.  If he hates it, we can come up with a different plan.

I know, I know.  When most people hear (or read) “Washington”, they imagine something like this: grey sky, dark, wet, coffee, mud, mold and mildew.  Super-liberal, overly intellectual, polluted and urban.

(A picture from my last road trip out there supporting the stereotype)

But what do I think of?  Green in a thousand different shades, plants of so many varieties growing in abundance.  The smell of damp earth beneath my feet, fertile and good.  A mix of views on religion, politics, art, you name it and all these voices challenging us to THINK and make informed decisions instead of just doing what our parents did, making us own our actions.  Sometimes the closemindedness of Colorado makes me want to scream. The way some people think they are better than blacks or gays or atheists whatever.  I mean, I guess there are people like that everywhere but I feel like lately it’s choking me here. Or maybe it’s just the fact that I feel stuck here, this town is stagnant and it’s driving me insane.

I think of the ocean stretching out before me, beautiful and mysterious in all the living things below its waves.  The rain is refreshing and cleansing and yes there IS SUNSHINE, just not every day but you appreciate the warmth of it in the summer.

When we talk about TTC again, Hubster worries about what will happen if I miscarry again… and while I know I have a great support network of friends here in Colorado and online, I know I will want to be home if that should happen.  With the family and friends and familiar places I grew up with.  I want to be there for my parents as they grow older and eventually start needing help.  And I want them to be around for their grandchildren.

At one point during dinner last night he said “You make the decision.  Because if you’re not happy, we’re not happy.”  It was said lightheartedly but I think this was his way of saying “Ok.  I’ll give it a try.”  which is all I want.  Well, that a baby.  Who knows, maybe we will get pregnant before now and then?  And if we don’t, I’m sure there are cutting-edge fertility clinics out there.  Right?

And now for some pictures I have actually taken myself… From a variety of trips I have made in the last couple of years.

The Space Needle next to the Experience Music Project (EMP) that from the sky looks like a guitar.  It’s a museum showcasing some of the musical greats that have come from or through the Seattle area. (Oh hey, it’s the sun too!  And this was over Thanksgiving break… Not rainy!)

A ferry boat on Puget Sound seen from Pike Place Market in downtown Seattle. (Ok, this was August so the sun makes sense)

Puget Sound with the Viaduct that runs along the Seattle waterfront.

Sunset from a ferry.  The hazy outlines on the right at the Olympic Mountains out on the peninsula. (I think this was taken last October sometime?)

An old orchard that belongs to a friend of mine.

I could go on and on, I have lots of great pictures!  But I figure this post is kind of picture heavy enough… lol.  But it’s my happy place and I had to share 🙂

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13 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Jess on April 16, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Washington is also my happy place. 🙂 But, the rain does worry me a trifle.

    Reply

    • I think it worries Hubster too. The great thing though is you get over the Cascade Mountains and it is suddenly sunny so maybe that will be our compromise after a couple years?

      Reply

  2. Love all your photos and your new blog… love always xoxo

    Reply

  3. I love Washington. And it’s both: grey AND green. As opposed to California, which is blue AND brown. We take the good with the bad wherever we go. (Incidentally, I would move back in a second, except that my family is here, and my company doesn’t have a store in the Yakima Valley, which to me, is the best of both CA and WA.) Also, I’m in love with the Space Needle. For architectural monuments, I may even like it better than I like the Eiffel Tower.

    I’m sorry about the sex. I have those problems too. Not about TTC and timing, but more trying to fit it in with all our other commitments, and I’m terrible at initiating. And then there will be nights where I want to initiate, but know Doug has to get up early or something, so I keep it in my pants for his sake. (Ridiculous. Of course he’d say yes.)

    Reply

    • It’s true, it is both. I guess I love the grey so it doesn’t bother me? Or it seems worth it? Probably like the sunshine seems worth all the brown here? California wouldn’t be too bad except I don’t think I could afford it lol! And yea, I was just thinking Yakima could be a nice compromise in a couple of years. More sun but still decently green.
      I think my issue with initiating is that I feel like I ALWAYS initiate and I’m just tired of being the initiator? It’s nice to know I’m not alone with the sex issues. That is part of why I include it in my ramblings, to try and reach out and be less alone.

      Reply

  4. I’ve totally forced my hubby to have sex on nights he didn’t want to. Oops.

    I can’t claim to understand the allure of WA. Coming from MN, I’m used to more overcast days than most Coloradans, but still… WA? LOL. That being said, most ppl can’t understand how I love MN. They see it as a frozen tundra instead of a place of awesome lakes and family and friends. We all have our happy places that people don’t understand. 🙂 I hope your hubby grows to like it too!

    Reply

    • We’ve all forced our husbands to have sex. I think you’re in good company here in ALI Blogland. MN hu? I have some friends from there… I would totally go visit it although probably in the summer… Maybe if I got to do some real serious shopping to buy clothes warm enough for the winters I would go out in the winter. I see it as a frozen tundra, but that’s part of the appeal to me lol. You should put up some pictures of your home state when you get a chance!

      Reply

      • Will do! I’ll have to steal some from my Mom – she has some truly beautiful pics of the state (she’s a photographer).

        Minnesotans basically spend all year on the lake – skiing and such in the summer and ice fishing in the winter. 🙂

  5. Hey Kira! Congrats on the new blog-look. I am sorry I have been a little absent lately, but I am back!

    I did not know you were from Washington. The PNW and Seattle are two of my favorite places on earth. There is no place in the summertime anyway, where there is sun, green trees, snowtop mountains and raindrops ALL at the same time!

    I could only imagine what scheduling sex must be like – I mean hey, we schedule it too, but for different reasons. I always assumed me and my husband would have difficulty conceiving and that scheduling sex around ovulating or IVF would break us. I am fortunate that was not the case, but still, my heart bleeds for others.

    Reply

    • Glad you found the new blog! And I appreciate the recognition of some of the great things of Seattle. Sometimes I start to wonder if I’m totally insane and alone in my love of the place.

      I think the thing with sex is that we got into the kind of “routine” that I hated but Hubster was ok with. He admitted to me today he doesn’t even know how to initiate it anymore and assumes that if I don’t initiate it then I don’t want it. *sigh* much arguing commenced. Lots to work on. But I feel like infertility has taken so many things from me, I refuse to let it take my marriage. So we keep working on it.

      Reply

  6. The sex thing is hard isn’t it. Its not just about passion and wild abandon anymore, you’re focused on the sperm being in the right place, are you really ovulating, legs in the air so the sperm has a chance to swim, and will this cycle be THE cycle? How can one chill out and enjoy with all that going on?

    If its any consolation I got Mr Stinky to move 1/2 way round the world to a country he had never even seen. He agreed on a ‘6month trial’ and he loves it here now, but took me over a year to ‘gently’ persuade him. I can understand feeling like you need to be somewhere else to live. Gorgeous pix – I love the one of the trees

    Reply

  7. Yep, that’s a gold star, but yeah, it’s hard to deal with keeping sex interesting during IF struggles.

    I have been in Washington, it’s a nice place. Good luck on deciding.

    Reply

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