My brain took crazy pills

I had THE weirdest dream last night.

In my dream I could feel the baby, as if it was just under the skin of my stomach, and it was at the top of my stomach, as in between my boobs and my belly button. And it would change sizes, sometimes as big as my hand, sometimes bigger, and the other times I wouldn’t be able to feel it at all.

Also, in my dream I was somehow spending all my free time just hanging out at my old job (although the building in my dream looks nothing like the actual building). I was like some desperate loser basically come back with my tail between my legs doing my old job for free (but trying to be casual about, hoping my boss wouldn’t notice). Two dogs ended up having lymphoma, and the dream ended with us tearfully sending one dog (along with a sample of its blood kept safe in a springform cheesecake pan????) on a rocket ship to mars.

Well… That was interesting. And the insane pregnancy dreams begin!

You like me! You REALY like me!

This weekend I got this lovely award!

From Daryl over at Something Out of Nothing!

As per all awards, here are “the rules”!

Here’s the five-step process to follow after being given this award:

• Share who gave it to you with a link back to their blog.
• Write down seven random facts about yourself.
• Give this award to fifteen other bloggers.
• Let them know they’ve won.
• Pop the award on your blog.

Since I kind of suck at coming up with random things about me, I did a little google hunt to come up with random questions for me to answer. Here we go:

1-Do you like black and white movies? Why or why not?
Man, I really wish I liked BW movies more. There are some that I’ve seen and love. (Miracle on 34th Street anyone???) But in general I find that BW movies, are just a little cheesy and over-acted. But I know that was just they way they made movies back in the day. Maybe the problem is I have seen so few of them, and I’m not really sure which ones to rent? I’ve seen Psycho, and Casablanca, and thought those was pretty good. So, if anyone out there is a film history buff and wants to recommend some great BW movies, let me know!

2-Do you watch the news on tv? How often?
Um, no. I know, I know, I’m an ignorant American. But here’s the thing. 80% is scary/depressing and the other 20% is stupid stuff I don’t care about. I wish I was more aware of what was going on, but the area I live in is pretty dangerous, so every night they are talking about some person who got held up, or a shooting, or something… and I’m naturally a pretty anxious person. I don’t need more reasons to be scared of my neighborhood. Then if I try to get into global news it’s always about some act of terror or war in a distant country that breaks my heart, but there isn’t really anything I can do to try and help. So I’ll just stick with my funny sitcoms, thankyouverymuch. (Hubster watches the news, and passes on pertinent info to me, so I’m not totally in the dark.)

3-Name one book you had to read but hated, and explain why you hated it.
As someone who LOVES reading, I rarely meet a book I hate (let alone “dislike”) But when I was taking AP Literature in High School, I had to read The Iliad. And that just sucked. It was SOOOO LOOOONG, and would go on and on and ON about random descriptions of random stuff that had nothing to do with the plot. I must admit I didn’t finish it. My friend Polly and I were in that class together, and to try and slog through it we would take turns reading it out loud to one another. We really did try. But this was also part of a book list we had to read before classes even started, so we were trying to read it while on summer vacation. In Hawaii. Seriously?! Who can blame us???

4-At what age did you lose your virginity?
It was November 2004… so I was 19. Hubster and I had been dating a year. (Man, I feel like I remember being older and us having dated longer but I think that’s the truth of it!) We had intended to wait until marriage… I think that was a lot easier back when there was arranged marriages or shorter courtships. When you date for that long, it gets really hard not to want to express your feelings physically. It is a rather unique statement in this day and age to say I’ve only had sex with one person though!
**UPDATED** upon thinking more, it was in fact 2005, not 2004, so we had been dating 2 years, and I was 20. I mis-remembered where I was living in 2004 (we were both in dorms) Few, I feel a little better about that!

5-Do you like to sing karaoke?
I’ve only ever done it once at a friend’s birthday party, but I had a really great time (except for the fact that Hubster was being a party pooper about the whole thing) and would definitely do it again. I have a halfway decent voice when I’m really focused, but of course the grand-ness of karaoke is that everyone kinda sucks, so you just get up and belt it out and have a good time and no one takes it too seriously. I personally really enjoyed singing country songs. Let’s face it, they are musically fairly simple and lots have plenty of spunk and sass!

6-Do you like musicals? (movies or theater)
OhmygoodnessYES! Both. I love them both. I tend to like older movie musicals. I don’t like how a lot of newer musicals don’t actually make up new songs, they just pull songs from pop culture and stick them in. In high school my mom took me to New York and I got to see Cabaret. It was amazing! (And the staged version is definitely superior to the movie. Maybe someone should remake the movie version? They two are just so very different.) One of my first childhood crushes was on Christ.ian Bal.e in the musical “Newsies”. I just think that music is such a great story-telling device that impacts emotions differently than spoken word alone.

…..*phone rings*…..

7-I got pulled away from typing this to do my first ever phone interview.
It was kind of terrifying. Not being able to read their expressions or body language, I had no idea if she thought I was an idiot or if she really liked me. It’s for the world’s cutest baby boutique downtown. In some respects it would be a LOT of responsibility. As manager of a small business, there is not really any wiggle room for slacking (not that I think I’m a slacker, but you guys know what I mean – there really isn’t anyone to come in and “cover” if you’re sick, so you can’t just call in because you feel a little “off”.) but I also think it is just the COOLEST, most unique store. I think it could be just enough of a challenge to be interesting, and just enough of low key as to be what I really want right now. I should hear back from her by Wednesday to see if I will be going in for an in-person interview on either Thursday or Friday, to start training on Monday, and to officially take over on the 29th. *deep breath* Whatever will be, will be, right? And yes, of course, it’s a baby boutique, so me being pregnant kind of came up. I think she sounded excited? But who knows, maybe honesty wasn’t the best policy… but that’s just the kind of person I am.

Now as far as giving out this award… see, the problem is since getting back into blogging, while I follow a handful of blogs, I don’t know that I can say that I’m actually following 15 other blogs right now! And factor in that it seems like everyone has gotten this award here recently… If you blog, and have NOT gotten this award yet, I hope you will take this award and have fun with it. I know that all the blogs I follow (and I try very hard to keep up with everyone who comments on here, unless the commenter doesn’t have a blog) are wonderful, fabulous blogs. I just think everyone has already gotten this award.

On that note, I’m going to curl up with my handy-dandy-new pregnancy book I got today. I was hanging out with Suzy and I found it used for $2, who can pass that up? But it’s the same one she has and really likes, and I figure I really should have something, so I got it. “Your Pregnancy” by Glad B. Curtis. Should be fun, and help get my nervousness out from being all wired over my phone interview!

Pregnancy Cravings?

BACON!!!!

Sent Hubster to the store last night for bacon, so I could make bacon cheeseburger.  Has bacon and eggs for breakfast.  Dinner tonight?  Bacon Fried Rice from the most amazing Asian restaurant.

Heaven.

So much can change…

Well, in the last couple of days I:

Lost my job

and

Am still pregnant.

Yup.  Go ahead and take in that information for a second.

Friday I got called into work.  I normally have Fridays off and work Saturdays but they needed help on Friday and Saturday was going to be really slow, so they said come in Friday and have Saturday off.  I thought that was actually pretty cool because Jewel was having a party for her boyfriend’s birthday Friday evening and that meant I could actually go and not worry about staying up late with work on Saturday.  So I went into work, and everything went pretty routine.  My boss really appreciated me coming in, I told her it was no problem.  I did express that I have been having some faulty memory with the pregnancy, and have been doing my level best to write everything everything EVERYTHING down.  I knew that on Sunday I was scheduled for a “treatment day”.  That means the clinic is closed, but if there are animals boarding that need medicating a technician comes in to give it.  Well, sometimes depending on what the medication is (or if any medication is needed at all) the technician that day doesn’t actually have to come in.  As I recall, my boss and I had a conversation that since I didn’t work Saturday, I would call Saturday evening to see if I would need to come in Sunday.  Because on Friday it is hard to predict what may or may not come in on Saturday.  I knew there was an extremely dangerous dog in boarding that needed medicating, but it was well known that no one could actually handle him, his meds were thrown into his run in pill pockets for the dog to eat on his own.  So Saturday evening comes around and I call into work.  Now my boss (technically the clinic administrator) was not in, but I spoke with the head treatment technician, who consulted with the head doctor (and owner of the clinic) and they decided that I did not need to come in.  They said that the two animals that needed medicating could just be handed pill pockets by the kennel technicians.  So I did not go in on Sunday.  Sunday I come out of church to find multiple phone calls and a voice message from the kennel technician at work, wondering where I was.  I immediately called her back (only got her voice mail) and explained I had been told not to come in by the the doctor and the treatment technician but that I was more than willing to come in to work.  I called and left a similar message for my supervisor, who the kennel technician and stated was “very miffed” I hadn’t shown up.  Eventually I got a call back from my supervisor wherein she insisted that she had told me specifically to come in on Sunday and basically accused me of going behind her back and shirking my responsibilities by calling into the clinic on Saturday.  I tried to interject that was not my intention, nor my memory of our conversation, but that only made her more irate, so I settled on just apologizing and agreeing to discuss the matter further the next day that I worked which was Monday.  I got off the phone and burst into hysterics, feeling like I’m going crazy.  Why do I remember the conversation from Friday so differently??  How am I going to do this job if my memory is going to be so faulty??  Hubster was so great and supportive, we went out and bought more notepads to keep in my pockets and encouraged me to not be too worried for the talk with my supervisor.  She had on more than one occasion told me I was one of her favorite vet techs, that I didn’t need to be worried my job was always at stake.  So I drove into work bright and early Monday morning basically prepared for a tongue lashing, and go about the day.

I knew I was in trouble when she didn’t have me clock in before out meeting.  She basically would not let me speak a word, reiterated that there was absolutely no place for a misunderstanding that she wanted me to work on Sunday, that it did not matter that I had spoken to the treatment technician and the doctor, that the kennel technician was terrified of the dog (Hello!  I’m terrified of that dog!  Don’t touch it, idiot!) and that the kennel technician had messed up giving the medications (Not sure how that’s my fault that she didn’t read the directions on the drug bottle correctly) and then went on about how she had always stood up for me when the doctors and other techs had been upset with me (Um… ya, like 5 months ago when I started and my attempt at confidence had come off as arrogance but since then I’ve only heard how much everyone loves to work with me) but that she couldn’t stick up for me anymore, that she wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior by anyone and that she was letting me go.

But, you know, she still likes me as a person, and knows I try really hard.

She took my keys and I left.

I was just so in shock, it took quite a while before I could actually cry.  I can’t believe she would take what happened so personally.  It wasn’t an attack on her or an attempt to shirk my duties.  Admittedly driving 45 minutes, and paying a toll, for 15 minutes worth of work sucks, but if I had been told to come in, I would have come in.  I just don’t remember the conversation on Friday the way she remembered it, and she took it very personally.  I also have to wonder if some of this wasn’t also a bit of a power struggle between her as the Administrator and the Doctor/Owner.  They have had some pretty big arguments before, about which of the two us technicians is supposed to listen to when they give us conflicting directions.

At that point I decided to call the nurse.  My breasts had continued to not be tender at all, (and in the midst of “letting me go” the administrator told me that there was a way to continue my insurance for a while, so I figured I’m still insured so I’m going to use it while I can, until I can figure something else out) and basically I begged for another blood level test.  I gave myself Monday to just process what happened with the job.  My good friend Suzy invited me to run errands with her, and just be a general good distraction.  Hubster was really supportive (although leaning towards villain-izing the administrator.  I think that there was error on both sides.  I don’t know, I guess I don’t feel right just putting all of my anger on her.)

Tuesday I got up and decided to go walking with Suzy and some of her friends.  I figured the best way to start my day was by being active, instead of moping around the house.  I called in to find out my blood results.  Based on the 1,300 number from Wednesday April 25th, I had guessed the number from Monday would be about 7,800.  It was over 9,000!!!  I have to say, it really made my day.  Between that and the previous posts comments including the fact that the tenderness could go away, I was actually feeling really good.  Then the nurse went above and beyond and put in an order for an ultrasound in the next 2 weeks, just to give me peace of mind.  If she amazing, or what?

However, this morning I went into the bathroom and when I wiped, I noticed a small amount of brown discharge.  Of course I started panicking and called the nurse line.  She didn’t seem overly concerned (“Brown is old blood, so it’s something from a while ago, it’s probably just now working it’s way out.”) but again took pity on me and changed the ultrasound order to STAT.  So Hubster and I got in the car and went in for another ultrasound.  It was all very efficient.  The ultrasound technician was basically like “You’re last ultrasound was one week ago, so there isn’t much difference to see.  The gestational sack has grown and we can see the beginning of the egg sack.”  Nothing looked worrisome.

So now I’m home.  Did some dishes.  Made a call to go in and get information on WIC.  Started the process of filing for unemployment.  (What a pain!)  I’ve been thinking a lot about what kind of job I want to look for.  In a lot of ways, I’m actually not as upset as I thought I would be about losing my job.  As much as I loved the people, and loved the work, it is a high stress environment.  And I’m already at high stress about this pregnancy.  Add on my memory issues, and I was so terrified that at some point I would forget something vital.  I just don’t know that I really want to pursue another job at a vet clinic at this time.  I just don’t think I can handle the stress of trying to remember everything you have to remember for that job.  (Which trust me, is a lot.  Especially in a “general practitioner” where you see multiple species, and can see everything from healthy kittens to dogs with skin problems to rabbit neuters…)  It’s not that I wont look at vet clinic job listings, but will maybe try to find a smaller, less busy clinic.  Or a specialty clinic that only really deals with one issue.  (Like a dermatologist)  Or heck, I may very well apply for a job with a large, corporate coffee chain. Because they take really good care of their employees.  And there is just less stuff to worry about.  The other issue I have is that I feel morally compromised to go in and apply for a serious, long-term job and withhold the fact that I’m pregnant.  I feel less guilty if I’m applying for a job I know is going to be more temporary, that is just to help keep us afloat until the baby comes along.  And the sad fact is, that I was not making great money at my old job.  Because of a variety of factors (such as the fact that while I went to school, I have yet to get nationally licensed) I was making just a little more than minimum wage.  The veterinary field is not something you do because you expect to get rich, you do it because you love it.

And, to end on a positive note, I realized I never posted the original ultrasound from the 25th.  So here is my little blobby, 4 and a half weeks old. 

Caming down, and a couple cute stories

Alrighty, after writing that post, and spending some time in prayer I’ve been able to calm down.  And notice my boobs are still tender.  Maybe it just comes and goes?  I’m still having occasionally uterus “twinges” that are different that period cramps, so I take comfort in that.  But mostly, I take comfort in knowing nothing I do, or don’t do, no amount of blood tests or ultrasounds will change the outcome of this baby coming into the world.  God Willing, in 8 months we will get to greet a new member of our family.  And if that is not His Will, then it wont happen.  And we will be devastated, but we will survive the loss of another child.  Because we did it before, with much less support then we have now.

A couple of cute stories:

As some of you know, we have 2 cats.  Rocco was a gift from Hubster, but the cat has never really liked me, instead greatly preferring Hubster over me.  I have noticed in the last 2 weeks (as long as Hubster is not around) Rocco will walk up to me when I’m in bed and knead my hips/tummy, and curl up on my abdomen.  This morning I woke up to this:

I think this cat knows I’m pregnant.  It’s the only explanation for him choosing to cuddle with me.  And this photo was with Hubster laying right next to me, so he chose me very obviously over him!

This evening we watched an adorable little boy who is just about 2.  His mom is currently pregnant with her second, and she had told him that there was a baby in my tummy earlier this week.  So as I was changing his diaper before bed he kept pointing to my tummy and saying “Baby.Belly.  Baby.Belly.”  And I said “Yes, there is a baby in my belly, God Willing.”  And then he pointed at my chest (above my heart) and said “beat beat? beat beat?”  And I replied “No, we haven’t heard the heart beat yet, but God Willing we will.”  He looked sorely disappointed I couldn’t confirm the heartbeat.  (He has gone along and heard his mother’s baby on the doppler so knows baby’s have heartbeats.)

Just makes my heart melt

I hope I’m wrong… Paranoia 2.0?

My boobs are definitely less sore today. Seeing as how that was my most obvious pregnancy symptom (even before I took a test) I’m kind of freaking out… With no more blood tests or ultrasounds in my immediate future I have nothing to give me solace or concrete confirmation that I’m still pregnant with a growing fetus… I just keep praying. It’s all I can do.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be they name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, now and ever and into ages of ages, Amen.

Lord have mercy,
Lord have mercy,
Lord have mercy.

Paranoia, Episode 1 of 1 Million. Alternatively Titled: All Systems Go.

So on my lunch today I went and got the second blood draw.  From the time I got back (about 1pm) to about 5pm, we were totally swamped.  While the morning I got to have time to drink a lot of water (and thus, have to pee every 30 minutes!) I probably only peed twice in that later 4 hour time period.  But more to the point, when we finally had time to slow down a bit, I suddenly had this thought pop into my head: What if the numbers don’t double.  Thankfully I realized I needed to not go down that path.

However, I also realized about that time that throughout the afternoon I had been having some lower abdomen twitches… specifically in one spot.  In the lower right of my abdomen.  Where I would imagine a fallopian tube might hang out. Uuuuu…. somewhere between sharp and dull, coming and going… but never really gone.  I decided to wait and see how it felt by the end of my shift.  6pm comes around and it’s still there.  I approached the one co-worker left at the clinic who had a child, and basically asked her if my pain could be nothing.  She was like “Well, it could be nothing… or it could be something.  Call the Nurse Hotline of our insurance group.”

So I called the nurse hotline, hoping the nurse would tell me the pain was nothing.  Not an ectopic pregnancy.  The nurse was very nice, and told me it was likely nothing since the baby is so tiny, even if I had an ectopic pregnancy it would most likely be to early to feel.  But at the end of the day, since I had no ultrasound, she advised me to go to Urgent Care and get an ultrasound.  I called Hubster on my way home to advise him of the situation.  I came home and we went off to the Urgent Care.  There was much oscillating between fear and tears, and excitement at the possibility of seeing our baby.  We got there, checked in, they wanted a urine sample, then I got to put on a fancy-schmancy gown and wait for the doctor… who finally popped his head in and did an exam.  He expressed concern for the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy aaaaaand the possibility of an appendix problem.  Well, crap, I hadn’t even thought of that.  Furthermore, the best way to test the appendix is to do a CT scan… not really a safe idea with a pregnancy.  But he decided to start with the ultrasound.  So we head up to ultrasound, check in at that desk, and wait…  got called back by a peppy ultrasound tech.  She tried to get a view of my lady bits from the abdominal ultrasound with no luck.  So onto the intra-vaginal ultrasound we go.  The room was set up so that a small widscreen tv screen showed Hubster and I what the technician was seeing on her screen!  At this point in my experience I’m somewhat well versed in deciphering white/black/grey wavy blobbies… in the first swipe I saw my uterus… with nothing in it.  My heart plummeted, but I stayed silent and let the technician do her thing.  She changed view, and suddenly a little black blobby appeared!  A little black blobby the technician measured.  A lot.  Then she moved the wand and caught some shots of my ovaries (That twinged!  I don’t miss having a wand shoved in at those angles!)  The technician, while revealing nothing, was still chipper and all smiles and I felt confident that the blobby was our blobby.  Or… at leastmostly confident.  We head back to our original room and wait… 30 minutes… finally a nurse pops her head in and asks if I had already had my blood drawn.  Ummmmm nope.  So she grabs the necessary tools and comes in.  Apparently she had a first pregnancy much like mine, where the HCG levels never doubled.  It was an instant bond.  She revealed that my second blood draw results had come in:

*drum roll please*

Over 1300.

My numbers more than doubled!  She was incredibly positive (I think she may have used the word “perfect”).  I asked her if the official results on the ultrasound had come through yet, she said she would check, then asked if I had seen anything (For the record, Hubster couldn’t decipher anything during the ultrasound and was highly skeptical of my enthusiasm that I had seen a black blobby in the middle of my uterus) and I described what I had seen.  She was again very supportive and positive, then left the room to check on the status.  The doctor finally popped his head in and asked “Are you guys comfortable?  Because this room sucks.”  They were apparently pretty slow, so he moved us over to a larger, cushier room meant for multiple patients.  He then proceeded to sit down in a chair and get comfy and actually really chat with us.  Basically the ultrasound showed the baby (basically at this point just an egg sack) was in the uterus, right where it should be.  (CHECK!)  My blood-work showed normal white cell count, so he felt the chance of an appendicitis is very low.  (CHECK!)  Most likely this is just my body adjusting to the pregnancy, but if it continues I should go to the ER just in case it is my appendix.

He was even nice enough to give me a copy of the ultrasound picture (Even thought it’s just a black circle surrounded by gray wavy lines.  But hey, it is MY black cluster of cells.  And I wuvel it.)

Unfortunately this whole process took somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 hours.  But my co-pay was just $20.  Definitely, totally, absolutely worth the peace of mind and picture. 

After all the good news Hubster got all twitchy with excitement, and then exclaimed “Shit just got real!”

Fo Shizzle.

The First Blood Test

I got the results today of my first blood draw from yesterday.

*drum roll please*

534

I asked the very nice nurse what exactly that meant.  Good?  Bad?  She laughed a little, and then explained that at this stage anything from 18 to 7,000 is accepted.  So this first number, but itself, doesn’t really mean squat.  What really matters is that it doubles in 48 hours.

Tomorrow I will get the second blood draw.

And get the results Thursday.

In the land of random symptoms I’ve been having (which just help me to feel confirmed that I’m still pregnant, so bring on the symptoms!):

Boobs still really sore.  (Well, to be more specific, it feels like I have bruises on my nipples.  Even though there is no bruising…  TMI?)  And I swear they’ve already gotten bigger.  Not exactly a great thing since I’m already in DD cups… these puppies are going to be up to my chin if I can be so blessed to continue the rest of the pregnancy!

I have moments of feeling starving, but then feel full halfway through my lunch.  Maybe it’s in my head?  4.5 weeks into the pregnancy, I’m not sure what counts as symptoms, and what counts as me having struggled with food addiction my whole life, so I’m basically always hungry.

I’ve had a few moments where I have definitely had a heightened sense of smell.  Sunday when Hubster and I went to dinner with my mom (pre-test-taking) I got a hard cider (which I now regret!) and Hubster got an IPA beer.  I can’t stand hoppy beers, and I could smell the hops from his glass from across the table.  Monday we were removing a bandage from a post-surgery dog, and I could smell the soiled bandages – strongly.  Today I walked by our isolation ward and just about keeled over from the smell of the extra-strong cleaner they use in that particular room.  My boss is taking advantage of my heighten sense of smell by asking me to “test” if rooms smell bad.  Gee.  Thaaaaaaaaaaaanks.  Lol.

I really want to get back into regular posting, and reading everyone else’s blogs too!  I’ve been so caught up in work, I just haven’t had the time to be on here.  And while I still love my job, I’m realizing that I need to take time to keep in touch with everyone, this crew of women who have rallied together through thick and thin.  I need to take the time to document my thoughts and feelings, for my own sake.

I cannot express how much it warmed my heart to see all the congratulations, comments, and prayers on my last post.  You all are such a wonderful group of women, I am blessed to have you here!!!

Inconceivable!

Well, I’m not sure how many of you guys are even reading this anymore, but I have to document this for my own sake.

As many of you know, we have tried for over 2 years to get pregnant.  Fertility treatments.  A miscarriage.  Even a surrogate.  I have a medical file over an inch thick stating that my body cannot get pregnant without medical assistance.  Since moving out to Washington, as much as it has been on my mind, there has always been one thing or another to get in the way of pursuing more treatments.  Hubster and I recently had a big disagreement over what to do with our tax return, I wanted to use it on fertility treatments and he wanted to pay off debt.

Monday the 16th I noticed my nipples were pretty sensitive, which was weird, but I didn’t really think too much about it.  I checked my calendar, and realized my period should be starting any day (remembering that I have a 24 day cycle).  I also noticed that Hubster and I had sex back around cycle day 12, but because I don’t ovulate, I didn’t think about that really either.  Wednesday came around and my nipples were still sensitive, and I noticed that my normal PMS symptoms weren’t coming up.  No intense chocolate cravings.  No mood swings.  No cramping.  I started to get excited, but get squashing it, telling myself that  I shouldn’t get my hopes up, and just tried to prepare myself for my period showing up.  Finally I admitted my hopes (and fears) to Hubster Wednesday night.  He was leaving town the next day for a family funeral, and in his ever realistic point of view, told me to wait to test until he came back from Colorado.  I agreed, and spent the next 4 days rushing to the bathroom, waiting to see red.  He flew back Sunday, which meant that this morning I finally got to take the test.  6 days late.  Technically day 30, so for most folks that’s not late, but for me it is.

In the time it took for me to try and read the information packet to see how long it would take for the test to read, two lines came up.

… … … uhhhhhhhhhhhh…. I have no idea how this happened.

There is no medical explanation for this.  I can’t even say “Oh, ya, I ate a bunch of pineapples!  And full fat milk products!”  I refuse to accept people saying “Oh ya, as soon as you quit trying, that’s when it happens!” because we didn’t just quite trying last month or something.  And I just don’t think that makes any kind of logic or sense.  I am left with the stance that this is one of those unexplainable miracles.  That nothing will happen outside of God’s Will and God’s Timing.  While all life is a miracle, this feels so incredible profoundly miraculous… an absolute blessing.

I spent the vast majority of the morning in a weird place of excitement, disbelief, and fear that I would lose it.

I had to tell my supervisory right away, the fact is a lot of things I do in my job are a bad idea when you’re pregnant.  I was worried that she would be upset, knowing this could make the clinic run less smoothly since I wont be doing radiology, or anesthesia, or litter boxes (I tried to fight her on that stuff actually) but she was just so thrilled, and spent the rest of the day running around saying things like “I LOVE BABIES!”  It was so amazing.

I went on my lunch to get tested for my doctor.  I assumed they would do the blood draw, but since I’m new to this insurance, and this doctor, they don’t know my full history, so no.  They had me pee in a cup and do another urine test.  Which also came up positive.  … Well, I guess it’s nice to have the confirmation, but it’s not really what I wanted.  I wanted the blood test, I want to know the numbers double this time.  So I spent over 20 minutes haggling with my primary doctor’s office, got transferred 4 times before I finally got to talk to the nicest RN.  When I explained I had a history of miscarriage and just wanted the blood test today (as opposed to waiting 1-2 days) she was totally understanding, and put in the request.  So back into the lab I went for the blood draw.  The whole rigmarole took up my entire lunch, but I’m glad I did it.

And sometime this afternoon I came to the realization that yes, I know only too well that this pregnancy could end.  And while doing testing is important, the fact is that me stressing and worrying about it all day wont help or change anything.  So I am going to enjoy this blessing for as long as I have it.

So, ya, I know that’s crazy.  It’s a lot to take in.  I’m still trying to take it all in.  And maybe nobody is reading this.  Maybe anyone who is reading will decide to un-follow me now.  But I had to put it out there.  Because to quote Princess B.ride, this is just “Inconceivable!”

Oh what a day!

I had a terrible nightmare last night that my boss came up to me and said “I’m sorry, you’ve made too many mistakes, you’re fired!”. I woke up freaked out because it felt so real. Great way to begin the day, eh? But I get to work and my supervisor calls the back line (I hear she “want to talk” and immediately my pulse starts racing!) but she was just calling because she felt she “needed to reach out” to me, she knows I worry, she knows we need to do more training, but she’s been getting lots of good feedback from important co-workers, and I need to stop “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

It was really the BEST way to start my day, and my week. Especially since it seemed so outbid the blue! *big, deep, relaxing contented sigh*